1/25/13: Movie 43

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Take a look at that poster. Take a good, long look. What sticks out? Is it the incredibly boastful tagline of “THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS COMEDY EVER MADE”? The long list of moderately-to-well-known actors making up the cast? Is it the terrible way the actors look and how none of them are looking at the same thing? Or how the head shots all look like they are pulled from a different image? Is it the terrible photoshop trying to fool us into thinking Johnny Knoxville doesn’t look like age fucked him like a prison inmate?

Whatever it is, you must agree that the poster is just awful.

But does the poster pique your interest? Do you look at the cast list and the claim of being an outrageous comedy and say “That looks like something I have to see?” I was like that. I heard Kate Winslet was doing a comedy and my first thought was “How can she top the uproarious film that was The Reader?” So I saw it. And I’m not going to review it. Instead I am going to do some nice community service.

This goes out to anyone thinking of paying money to see Movie 43.

43 REASONS NOT TO SEE MOVIE 43

  1. Hugh Jackman wears a set of prosthetic testicles on his chin. That’s the entire joke. A joke that was done in Men in Black 2 and even South Park. 
  2. Immediately following the overlong scene of Kate Winslet proving that she has a (terrible) sense of humor by appearing in a sketch where Hugh Jackman has a set of testicles on his chin, the fake movie-within-a-movie set up tries to apply subtlety. To a sketch about a man with testicles on his chin.
  3. The movie was shot over four years ago. It is only coming out now.
  4. It has a different director for each little sketch, one of whom is the most middling director in all of Hollywood, Brett Ratner.
  5. It was conceived and put together by Peter Farrelly, further giving evidence to the claim that Dumb and Dumber and There’s Something About Mary were really made by aliens. And also that Dumb and Dumber and There’s Something About Mary were never funny and you are all idiots.
  6. Halle Berry, after getting topless pointlessly in Swordfish and having rough prison-style sex with Billy Bob Thornton, doesn’t even have the decency to show her actual tits, instead dipping an obvious prosthetic into a vat of guacamole.
  7. One of the directors has an impressive resume consisting of such cinematic delights as Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Daddy Day Care.
  8. Jason Sudekis proves that he could never be Batman. In case they were looking for a replacement.
  9. Even though they could use a parody excuse, the costumers made the worst Batman, Robin, and Wonder Woman outfits ever put together by the hands of Chinese children. Seriously, I’ve seen better costumes at a Wal Mart.
  10. Seriously, if you’re going to have the characters play Batman, Robin, Supergirl, Lois Lane, and Wonder Woman, at the very least make them look like the counterparts.
  11. Real life couple Chris Pratt and Anna Faris have as much chemistry as Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman.
  12. Real life couple Chris Pratt and Anna Faris do their best to convince us that a skit about pooping on someone can be funny if they just repeat the same thing. God bless them for trying.
  13. At one point the movie stops to give us a fake ad for something called the iBabe which is a naked woman with iPod buttons on her. The ad is done in the same style as those old iPod commercials with the dancing people and the popular single of the day. I am sure it was funny back when those commercials were still on the air.
  14. McLovin desperately tries to prove he can be funny. It didn’t work in Pitch Perfect, Chris, it doesn’t work here.
  15. Seth MacFarlane is the most convincing actor in the movie. Let that simmer for a bit. And then remember this movie has no less than two Academy Award winning actors in it.
  16. Emma Stone isn’t even pretty to look at in the movie.
  17. Stephen Merchant shows that Ricky Gervais is his breadwinner.
  18. Josh Duhamel is in the movie.
  19. At one point someone explodes into chunks of shit instead of blood when hit by a car.
  20. Poop is not a punchline, yet on more than one occasion a fart or poop is used to punctuate a scene.
  21. Justin Long punches the PC guy from those commercials. Seriously, fuck Mac.
  22. Halle Berry, who has already won a Raspberry, shows an incredibly fake and obviously prosthetic pair of breasts. That’s the joke. That she has large plastic breasts. Everyone laugh.
  23. Liev Schreiber is wasted. Sorry, Liev. I still love you.
  24. There are fake commercials  Three of them. This is explained in the movie-within-a-movie as being a great idea.
  25. Seth MacFarlane has one of the only actual jokes in the movie. He is pitching a movie (“It’s like Family Guy mixed with Schindler’s List!”) (that’s not the joke) to Common. The name of the movie is Challahcaust. i thought that was funny because I like dumb puns.
  26. An ensemble cast is wasted doing jokes that a juvenile wouldn’t find funny.
  27. Uma Thurman makes the exact same joke about Superman cumming quickly that everyone has made before. Only she said jizz so it’s different.
  28. Instead of watching this you can use the ticket money to go and rent The Ten, which is also a movie about short films but is actually funny.
  29. The name Dick Grayson is used to make a pedophilia joke.
  30. Hugh Jackman has a set of testicles on his chin.
  31. You can get the same effect from this movie if you just watch that one clip from John Waters’ Pink Flamingos where Divine eats dog shit.
  32. A better sketch comedy movie is Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. At least they understand how to make sketches funny,
  33. The line “that was epic” is uttered. And it is meant to be taken at face value.
  34. Josh Duhamel does not get killed. Or covered in bodily fluid.
  35. It is trying to be like The Kentucky Fried Movie but doesn’t bother to offer the parody or humor that made KFM actually funny.
  36. There is yellowface in the movie. And unlike Cloud Atlas which had yellowface for an actual reason and was the cause for criticism by offended people, the yellowface here is used for a single anti-Asian joke and dollars to donuts it won’t have any criticism for it. Double points: both instances of yellowface involved Halle Berry.
  37. The movie wasn’t screened for critics. That should tell you something.
  38. Its idea of ‘outrageous’ humor is on the same level as stuff you’ve seen in other movies in its ilk.
  39. None of the directors on their own have made a funny movie. They still haven’t.
  40. What’s the point of having a huge cast when all you do is have them sit in front of each other and talk to someone with testicles on his chin.
  41. It makes Judd Apatow movies seen like high fucking cinema.
  42. Why is it even called Movie 43?
  43. The only thing offensive about it are the obscenities I yelled in my car on the way home.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good comedy just as much as the next warm blooded American. But I like my comedy to have punchlines. Jokes. Set ups and deliveries. Someone farting is not a joke. Someone shitting is not a joke. What is a joke is watching this movie.

But okay, I can be fair. Here’s a list of positives about Movie 43. I was going to have 43 things but I couldn’t think of that many.

5 REASONS TO WATCH MOVIE 43

  1. During the scene with Stephen Merchant and Halle Berry, Merchant makes reference to parallel universes and alternate universes and for the briefest of moments I thought of Cloud Atlas and was happy.
  2. Josh Duhamel gets face fucked by an animated cat.
  3. Josh Duhamel makes out and rims an animated cat.
  4. The home school sketch with Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts was actually funny. Watch it on Youtube or something.
  5. Kristen Bell looks cute as Supergirl.

As you can see, unless you are like me and enjoy seeing Josh Duhamel getting face fucked by a cartoon cat (because Josh Duhamel fucking blows and any and all humiliation towards him is okay by me), there is no good reason to see Movie 43. None. If you do it I will personally kick you in the dick.

Which, come to think of it, never once happened in Movie 43. So that makes six positive things.

SUGGESTIONS

As mentioned in the list, two better movies to watch are The Ten by master of awkward comedy David Wain, and The Kentucky Fried Movie. The Ten also stars Liev Schreiber. It also has jokes and is funny and just watch it.

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